My last post was almost a year and a half ago and I have to say that a lot has changed since then. My cat Penn is still alive, which is kind of a surprise. He's not in the best of health, but he's got the most persistent personality of any animal I've ever known. In all honesty though, my animals have really taken a backseat for a while because, oh yeah, I gave birth to my second child almost 10 months ago!
For me, birth is an all-consuming task where I have to put everything else aside to focus on bringing a new life into this world. My first son, Danzo was born in 2009 at the hospital by means of c-section. That was exhausting in its own way because I wanted so much to have an all-natural home birth and it took some time to recover from having a surgery. Initially, I recovered pretty quickly and got out of the hospital after only 2 days instead of the usual 3 because I set my mind to getting out of there.
From this quick progression, it may have seemed from an outsider's perspective that I was absolutely fine and nothing was wrong. Inside, though, the opposite was true. There was a fire inside of me that had been ignited by the experience of losing control in a split second and losing the dream of having a home birth. I always thought I'd have only one child, but from the moment of making the decision to have a c-section, I knew I wasn't done having kids.
After the c-section, I felt betrayed by my own body. I had to deal with the guilty feelings of depriving my child and self of the experience of bringing him into this world in a peaceful home environment. I felt that medical intervention was necessary. Its a choice I'd make the same way again and again if I was faced with the same set of circumstances.
Once my decision was made, I was carted into a sterile room on a table. Numb from the waist down. The drape went up. The scalpel went down. The baby came out and was carried away to a table to get cleaned up and stimulated to breathe. To this day, he is a perfectly healthy child. With that said, it has taken years to deal with this experience and I will be dealing with it until the day I die, but simply put, I don't regret it for a second.
Like everything in life, this happened for a reason. Having a c-section with my first birth, set me on an amazing course of discovery into the potential of the human spirit and body. I gave birth to my second son at home on August 29, 2012. My labor lasted less than 10 hours and during that time, I got a crash course in many things that would probably take a lifetime to learn under normal circumstances.
I learned how manipulate deep physical sensations that would normally be called "pain" through the use of making low sounds. I realized the reality of multiple dimensions by being visited by one of the spirit guides I called upon. Lakshmi appeared in a rain of sparkling light to me and carried me along. I felt the possibility of a peaceful birth experience with every cell in my body. I began to understand my potential of facing my own primal side. I understood a cosmic connection of all mothers everywhere.
Even further, I gained an understanding of the connection of all people everywhere. I was happy to find my faith that there are many goddesses in the universe become reinforced. They are walking among us and beside us. They are brutal and kind at the same time. They are forgiving and bless us with experiences we never knew we could handle.
After the home birth experience, I was left to come back to the mundane day-to-day world. This is the hardest part, which caused more postpartum depression than with the c-section. Coming back to "reality" to deal with things like cooking, cleaning, dealing with people, shopping, paying bills.... YUCK! The transition has been very tough, but after almost 10 months, I think I'm finally starting to be able to deal with reality.
Moving forward, I hope to apply the knowledge I gained in labor to powerfully materialize all I want in my life. Right now, I am at an intersection with many possible turns. My husband is looking at new job opportunities at work, we're looking to buy our first house, Danzo is branching out and learning new things, second son, William is doing new things every day and also seems to be coming to earth. Who knows what the future has in store for my family. I know everything will work out. Patience, perseverance, faith, and understanding that there will be many variables and unknowns along the way with probably be the perfect formula to get through.
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